How do I model forgiveness to children?
by Marianne Fernandez, maternity coach & writer of Mum’s Chat
Hello, I have chosen the topic of “Jesus Forgives” and I’m praying I can encourage you and assist you with your parenting journey. Where can we start? Well, The Lord’s Prayer is probably the obvious place:
“Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.”
There it is in a nutshell. Set out by Jesus himself. If we seek forgiveness and forgive others, then our Heavenly Father will forgive us. It’s one of those “If…Then” equations. That’s the deal. So, as Christian parents, we try to teach this to our kids, right? However, in practice, it’s messy. Partly because we are human and partly because our children are born selfish. It’s not their fault. It’s their default.
Little ones need to be taught they are not the centre of the universe, and it comes as a shock. Terrible twos are part of railing against not getting their own way all the time and echoes of this can follow our kids far beyond the age of two. Children are not born knowing right from wrong. They need to learn right from wrong.
Next step? Learning to say, “I’m sorry”.
Equally, saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t come naturally and needs to be taught. And one step beyond that is learning to say, “I forgive you”. It’s hard but it’s a huge part of passing on our faith and following the example Jesus set. The Lord’s Prayer instructs us to forgive others. It’s not an option. It’s what we Christians are supposed to do. Jesus Forgives and we do too.
So, let’s return to the real world of parenting and zoom in on a conversation I’m sure you’ve heard:
Parent: (gently) Johnny that was unkind. Give Jane her toy back please.
Johnny: (indignant) But it’s MY turn to play with it and SHE won’t share!
Parent: (explains) But you need to ask if you can please have a turn not grab it.
Johnny: (impatiently) But I want a go now!
Parent: (patiently) Give it back, say sorry then ask if you can have a turn.
Johnny: (Harrumphs and thrusts the toy back at Jane).
Jane: (looks up at Parent) He didn’t say sorry.
Parent: (gives Jane a rictus smile then turns to Johnny) Say “sorry” Johnny.
Johnny: (angrily yells) SORRY!!!
Jane: (walks off and says over her shoulder) He didn’t mean it.
Sound familiar? Welcome to the trek of teaching Jesus Forgives. At this stage we’re down there in the mud and the bullets. If this is your life right now, please take heart and keep going! You are guiding your child against the flow of human nature, and if it feels difficult, it’s because it is.
What comes after “I’m sorry?” Learning to say, “I forgive you.”
Teaching right from wrong. Explaining when “I’m sorry” is needed and that your child should apologise is a fundamental part of teaching our faith. Johnny may be insincere in his “Sorry” and he probably won’t often hear “I forgive you” in return. But SMILE because this is where we make all the difference
If you remember one thing from this blog, let it be...
Hearing “I forgive you” is vital in teaching children to say, “I’m sorry”.
They are two sides of the same coin.
I try to model Jesus Forgives at home with my little ones so whenever they say sorry my default reply is (almost) always: It’s forgiven and forgotten, and we’ll start all over again”.
It’s like a familiar RESET phrase and I can see the relief in their little faces when they hear it, and we hug and begin over.
I’m trying to replicate the feeling that Psalm 103 v12 gives me where it speaks of our sins being removed “As far as the East is from the West” and also, I wanted to build in the verse from Hebrews 8 v12 that says once we repent, He remembers our transgressions no more.
What comes after “I forgive you”? “I forgive you” again and again.
There are two other well-known forgiveness verses. In Matthew 18 v21-22 Peter asks Jesus if it’s ok to forgive someone 7 times for sinning against him and Jesus shocks Peter by saying that 70 x 7 would be a good starting point.
Yikes!
Personally, I’ll admit that there are times when I really don’t feel like saying that gracious RESET response to my kids. When something is spilled, broken, lost or forgotten. When I’m late, busy or hungry I know I’m likely to struggle.
Sometimes I want to have a loud, self-pitying rant about how inconvenienced I am and then sulk for a bit. Charming!
But teaching our children that Jesus Forgives is more than making them say an insincere “Sorry” or an ungracious “I forgive you”. It’s about you and me modelling that apology and instant grace toward them in the moment, especially when we don’t feel like it.
Mums Chat by Marianne Fernandez available on Amazon and Eden etc.
Can you forgive me? It works both ways.
I remember the first time I asked my kids to forgive me for being mean to them. They were both very little and we were running late leaving the house. I was so frustrated by their endless needs, delays and bickering that I yelled, then bodily carried them out and strapped them into their car seats. As I sat fuming at the wheel, I knew I’d done wrong, so I apologised:
“I’m sorry kids, you didn’t deserve that.”
A little voice from behind said:
“It’s ok Mummy. It’s forgiven and forgotten, and we’ll start all over again.”
Oh, how sweet were those words to my ears. And I’ve heard them many times since then when I’ve needed to say sorry to my kids for my words and actions.
Modelling “Jesus Forgives” in family life is a two-way process. It’s messy but it’s necessary.
Sometimes we get it wrong. We are human too. Deciding to forgive is tough in the heat of the moment but if we decide to set the bar high and create a pattern of behaviour that we hold ourselves to and encourage our children to follow…maybe they will.
Our kids will remember the feeling of being given another chance after making mistakes. They will remember you humbling yourself to say “Sorry” to them and giving them opportunity to say, “I forgive you”, as you have forgiven them.
And isn’t that where we started?
“Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.”
Marianne Fernandez is Christian, wife and mum to two school aged children
She lives in a busy house in the Cotswolds, England. In between the school run she is a maternity coach, author and writer / presenter of the Mums Chat video series, streamed globally by RightNow Media.
Through her books and videos Marianne shares her own childrearing ups-and-downs and offers spiritual support plus practical pointers to help you activate your faith in your lows and your woes as your baby grows. To find out more or get in touch visit her website at www.optimums.co.uk