How to break the parenting cycle

by Janine Parkinson, Parent & Mission Enabler for Scripture Union

Sowing and reaping from my own childhood

I grew up in a volatile home, love was scarce and smacking and shouting was plentiful! I can’t pin all the blame on my parents as my father came from an abusive home; the eldest of six children who then buried his head into the royal marines which left him even harder and unable to show love. My mother was a war baby adopted from birth in 1945 and has suffered with her mental health ever since. So really circumstances hadn’t been kind to them and they were both introverts trying to bring me up  - an extraverted, touchy feely, desperate for love girl.

As I grew up, I pushed away and got myself into a heap of trouble looking for love in various different places but that story is for another day. God finally caught up with me at 19 years old and I gave my life to him.

As I ventured on my walk with my newfound relationship with Jesus, I was suddenly surrounded with people who were so much more peaceful, happy, contented and didn’t shout at me! I started to learn who I really was and that was that I really don’t enjoy fighting, shouting or violence and I absolutely love to laugh! In fact these days people often comment on my love of fun and laughter and I shy from confrontation (although my husband says that’s not always a good thing!)

I had counselling, grew in faith and my relationship with Jesus and have lived away from my parents for well over 20 years now, all was well. Until!!.......

I had children! I struggled with the usual baby stage thing of being alone, crying baby, loss of worth and all that but mainly, for the first five or six years of their lives is that I was angry, shouty and easily frustrated. These characteristics also leaked into my marriage and I didn’t enjoy my home life anymore. I would easily think the problem was with them, ‘They don’t get me! They don’t help! Why don’t they understand how frustrating this is?’ But the more I thought these things the worse it got! I wanted to leave. Furthermore, they reacted just the same as me - frustrated, shouty and easily angered. Without meaning to, I was perpetuating the cycle of parenting that I had grown up with.

My Revelation

I’m a qualified nurse and one thing we are taught is to reflect constantly (I find this really hard!) and practice the art of ‘self-awareness’. So I found myself doing this about my home life too. Even though my family didn’t help my learnt behaviour, they also weren’t aware of the inner struggle I was having. The only person aware was me. I reflected, ‘I didn’t like the atmosphere I grew up with, do I really want to create the same culture in a household I’m responsible for?’

I came to the conclusion: ‘If I can change my behaviour maybe I can change their behaviour, the atmosphere, and the course we were going down?’ A long shot, I know! Because in the moment of frustration (kids’ arguing, running late, things not working out etc.) it is so hard to change your thinking and react in a different way. But slowly and surely with a lot of prayer and reflection I did start to change my reactions.

One main thing I did and still do today was instead of shouting, I lowered my voice almost to whisper and spoke softly and gracefully - you could say ‘sweetly’. Even when something the kids said or did was a little bit hurtful or when I felt like a shout would be justified, I practiced this sweet voice technique. At first this confused my children and they thought they could make me shout back by shouting at me more! But after a while, my eldest child found it uncomfortable to shout at someone who was being so nice to her and would eventually bring her voice down to match mine.

Interestingly, my husband started doing it too. If I noticed a small disagreement was escalating into an argument, I would lower my voice and be super nice and it would bring the whole disagreement to an end!

It worked

It’s been years since I have been using this technique and just recently, after my husband and I had a disagreement about something, he re-entered the room, lowered his voice and spoke ‘sweetly’ to me and offered peace to the situation. I was literally seeing the fruit of my labour pan out before me! This also happens regularly with my eldest; she will observe my reaction and then pause mid-tantrum, throw her hands up, take a deep breath, stop shouting and instead speak normally and explain why she feels what she does.

It's taken years but, by the grace of God, I’ve implemented many little things like this into our home life. I’ve focused on changing my own reactions with the Holy Spirit’s help and I can now see how these little changes have made such a massive difference to everyone else’s reactions in the house.

It’s not Rocket Science

As I’ve learned more and more through parenting courses and learning the psychology of children etc, I’ve found that yes you guessed it - what I did is actually a proven tactic! Modelling behaviour is how we learn. I was naturally parenting in the only way I knew how – the way my parents had modelled it to me. We are all broken - I was really broken! - but with the grace of God and a bit of self-awareness I was able to break the cycle of parenting that I knew I didn’t want in my own home.  

I love the verse in Galatians 6:7b that says ‘A man reaps what he sows’ and I think it is true of parenting too, if we sow a volatile situation, we will probably reap one just as I did in those early years! But if we sow peace, we will reap it too.

So, may I encourage you to sow love, grace and peace. We can change our broken characters even if the first step is just being self-aware of them and the second step is asking God for his help and transforming power.

Romans 8:26: “The Spirit helps us in our weakness” (NIV)

How to break the parenting cycle: 

Start by taking some time to reflect: What part of your parenting or home life don’t you like? Which part of your own behaviour gets you a negative reaction from the rest of the family? What is one small thing you could change in your approach, that would maybe change a little bit of the situation?

Then take some time to pray into this and ask the Holy Spirit for help and remember …we are all a work in progress.

by Janine Parkinson

Janine along with her husband Andy have been married for 18 years is part of Grace Church Sheffield have two children Jocelyn and Beth and is a mission enabler for Scripture union helping Church’s in the central region of England to reach more children and young people for Jesus.